I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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