oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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