I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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