note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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