The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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