Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
