I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
