miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
