If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet