Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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