I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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