why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
