I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
