why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
