I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
