Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
