Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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