Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
