yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Who died my cat blue again?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
