woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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