Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
