Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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