The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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