I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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