Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
she smelled like a LAN party
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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