He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize