3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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