I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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