Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
i've created a new STD.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
