i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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