Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
