how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
