I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
