Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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