Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
