DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
