He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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