if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I would fuck him just for his dog
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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