Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
