Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
