I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
