So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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