I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
