The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Drake has all the answers
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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