No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
