woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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