At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
