Screwed.edu
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
