did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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