and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
