Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I love you.
Bad choice
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
