i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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