i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
