Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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