Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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