dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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