are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
