Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
