im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
