one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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