I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
