I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
