Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
