8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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