ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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